New Year's Resolution

It's a hard thing to admit, but it occurred to me yesterday that, for the better part of a decade, I have been asking my wife -- no -- rather, pleading with her to walk in idolatry.

Have you ever had a moment like that, a moment of painful clarity where the facade of self-justification you've built around your sin suddenly... evaporates?

See, what I had told myself all this time was that I was just trying to be a good husband. Tired, but feel like the house is a mess? I'll clean it! Exhausted from fighting with the kids all day? I'll take them! I can make sure they get fed and bathed and put to bed. Need to make an appointment or get someone to come work on the house? I'll find a way to make those calls between classes. Does the car need work? I'll take it in! Don't want me to be out of the house that long? I'll find away to take off of work or go in extra early. When it felt like too much, when I struggled under the weight of everything I'd taken on, I'd remind myself that I was called to give up my life on behalf of my wife just like Christ had given up his life for the church; I'd resolve to set the alarm a little earlier, to be a little more organized, and move on.

The trouble arose, however, whenever one of those tasks inevitably either fell through the cracks or wasn't done correctly. 

Maybe I'd forget to make one of those phone calls, or get so busy I never had the time. Maybe I'd clean but would forget to dust a particular counter. Maybe I'd step in to cook dinner and mess up the recipe. Maybe I'd take over managing the kids but not quite get them to bed on time. Whatever it was, just let my wife say one thing about how something I'd done wasn't quite what she'd expected it to be and watch out.

The next several hours would follow a rather predictable pattern. First, I'd get angry that she could be so ungrateful.

Here I was, doing all this stuff - for her! - and all she could do was criticize? 

Then, I'd spend an hour thinking to myself and, eventually, telling her how unreasonable she was and how she needed to be less critical and more supportive. Of course, a fight would ensue and, at the end, there would be one of two conclusions: either she'd have to admit she was unreasonable and make up her mind to be less so, or I'd have to admit her criticism was justified and would make up my mind to do better or work harder next time.

A week or even just a few days later, something else would get missed and we'd be at it again. Lather, rinse, repeat.

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I have responded to this cycle in various ways over the course of our marriage. Sometimes, I convince myself I really am the forgetful, or absent-minded mess I feel I'm made out to be when we fight. So, I make all kinds of resolutions to cut out whatever might be distracting me, to work harder at being organized, or to try to understand better just what, exactly, my wife is looking for in various tasks. Other times, I sadly manage to convince myself I married a woman who is simply impossible to please. So, I resolve to keep doing what I can, but to be less affected by her criticism or, in my eyes, her lack of grace.

However, what I realized yesterday is, underneath all the striving and frustration, what I really want, more than anything, is to be enough for my wife. 

I want her to look out over the chaos that is her life, especially with two kids, and feel she can survive, even thrive, because she has a partner who could meet her needs, whom she delights to be with and who can fill in or lift her up when she felt weak. I want that cheesy, hallmark sentiment -- "As long as we have each other, we have all we need" -- to be true for us. So, when she says or does something that communicates that I'm not enough, I either decide to work harder to achieve that goal, or decide that I actually am enough, but she's simply too critical to see it. Indeed, for almost the entirety of our marriage, I've essentially been attempting to sell my wife on the idea that I either already am or could eventually be sufficient for her.

The problem with that is it's a lie. I am not now, and can never be enough for my wife -- nor was I ever meant to be!

Only Jesus can know and love and strengthen her as she truly needs. Only Jesus can fill the parts of her life that feel dark or empty. Only Jesus can meet the desires in her heart for something grand or beautiful or soul-satisfying. Only Jesus can make sense of each struggle she faces. Only Jesus is enough for my wife. With each promise to work harder, with each argument for my wife to be less critical, what I have been doing is asking her to accept from me what she can only truly receive from Jesus.

What I really want is not to be a good husband or 

to have a gracious wife. What I really want is to be god.

 
Hence, the idolatry.

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So, as we make the turn into the new year, having realized this, I thought perhaps a different type of resolution would be in order. No more white-knuckled promises to be better or do more, no more cold-hearted oaths to be less affected by criticism, this year this husband resolves:

1) To strive to remember, in every frustration and every failure, that I am not sufficient and that only Christ is enough 

 

AND

 

2) To no longer hope or labor under the delusion than I can be for my wife, or give to her, what only Jesus can

I figure, if I no longer feel compelled to be god, then maybe, just maybe, I'll no longer need to prove my wife wrong when she reveals that I'm not. (Maybe we can even work together as we each seek to let Jesus be enough for the both of us.)

Any of you husbands care to join me?